i'm being modest today. i like that picture of me. eat it. so this has been a pleasant mini break for me. i've actually had 2 days off in a row! kelly's bbq/badminton bonanza was fun and afterward parker dragged me to some ghetto/redneck bar for karaoke and i found myself actually having a good time by oh 1am. rocked some alanis, outkast and 4 non blondes haha. today i woke up and got ready, picked linds up and headed out to comstock for george's grad party. he had loads of food and the weather was so perfect. it was cut short thought because i had to bring linds back for a bachelorette party. i was going to head back there, but gas is just so damn expensive. buh. i ran into a guy i graduated with from high school last night and he made the comment about how on my myspace i'm always so upset and that i need to lighten up. i think he's right. i take everything so damn personal and just want things to be right so badly. well, they aren't and they won't be. ever. that's life and i need to accept it. i probably will be alone for the rest of my life because i push the guys that like me away and chase the ones who are not worth my time. and then there's the one that i meet finally who is rad and thinks i'm rad aaand he's moving out of the country. of course. i'm fine with it. by november i'll be out of michigan and i'm getting so stoked. buh. well i'm going to be productive somehow now. xo
it's so weird that i still have this thing, but i find that if i bitch on myspace or even facebook now, it's around in a matter of hours and people are lame and bitchy. i'm irritated right now, i'm sitting here drinking some pbr getting ready to go to the lucero show and thank god that jen is amazing and open to new things, because asslick that i was supposed to go with is no where to be found. wait actually i guarantee you that i could find exactly where he is, but i don't feel like going to the meanwhile right now. even after 2 years of being friends he still acts like a 12 year old. whatever, gordon is making me feel better even all the way in chicago. haha he just sent me a pic of him and the lead singer, who is super hot btw, and i told him that, and he was all, "wait til you see him live!" i need to not be pissy about people and enjoy my night. k. here's too live, awesome music....and cutting hair at 8am. buh. xo
so much has once again changed. in fact it makes me kinda pissy to read my last few entries. i think finally things are settled, well the consistent things in my life atleast. amanda went crazy and moved out claiming that she wanted to continue being friends, yet left me to pay comcast and electric all on my own. she fucking took my record player and deleted me from her myspace friends. haha. what a crazy bitch. the only thing that's keeping me from really not being upset is the fact that i know i didn't do anything, she's just nuts. i quit my salon and longhorn steakhouse. and jodi is now seuing me because she is psychotic. i'm fighting it in court on monday the 2nd. it's a shame, really, that she's even spending her money or time to do this. crazy bitch. i'm working at starbucks again and i'm a pantry chef at a country club. for it being work and all, i actually almost enjoy my jobs. john pinardo never moved in, he actually fell off the face of the earth and that's that. allison and marie moved in with me, and things are going really well. minus the fact that they're about as dirty as frat boys. adam broke up with me. yeah. it sucks. i still really care about him. like REALLY. apparently i like to express that when i'm drunk to the whole world too. i still see him multiple times a week and we still hang out which is kinda like pouring salt on the wound. doesn't help that he lives with my best friend either. or that i woke up in adams bed this morning. hm. there are a couple new prospects though. and one i actually might, maaaybe be interested in maybe possibly dating. who knows. i change my mind about guys and have a new crush/some who has a crush on me every week. and the end result is i'm not over adam. damion and i are on speaking terms now. actually we're friends. crazy. i know. but it's cool. 21 isn't really any different except that i'm at the bar almost every night drinking rather than at home.
whatevy. i'm fine with the way shit in my life is. it is what it is, so i guess i should be, right?
umm i just got really cold and hungry so i'm leaving. kkkkkk. byyye.
wow. i suppose that it hasn't been ridiculously long since my last post, but so much has changed. i don't talk to damion at all anymore. it's been probably 3 months since i've seen him and maybe 1.5 months since i've spoken to him. i moved out of my parents house and i am as broke as a fucking joke. i live downtown with amanda wong right now, but after a month and a half she decided she needs to live alone. make me look like the bad one. hah, no i know it's not because of me so whatever. pinardo is moving in and if anyone needs a house, we have a 3 rooms and 2 bathrooms. a 3rd roomie would make things much more affordable :) i'm working three jobs right now, still at my salon, started back at starbucks and i'm waitressing, but i'm pretty sure i'm quitting serving. my income is so inconsistent, i need something i can rely on. i'm officially dating someone else. crazy huh? i'm so happy though. his name is adam and we live a broke life and it's great. he makes me laugh, he's actually interesting when he talks, freakin cute, gets along with everyone, is an extremely talented musician, has goals, isn't overly jelous or smothering but pays attention to me...i could go on, but there's no need. he makes me happy and that's it. gordon and i are having a kickass birthday party for ourselves on the 19th of august that i get to go plan with him right now over some brewskis. invite only, masquerade ball. me=21 gordon=24. yay for birthdays. oh! ren's in town. saw her at the bar last night, but unfortunately i was a bit tipsy and couldn't have a decent conversation with her so we're going to try to get coffee tonight. i forget how much i miss her until i see her again.
today is a good day. i slept til 3. it's been 2 months since i've soberly slept in and had nothing to do all day. i got my shift at starbucks covered this morning, i got called in to close and said no and i just made some tea and soup. i'm quite enjoying this lazyness. and yes, it's true, i think i'm finally quitting starbucks. whoo, thank god. now i just have to find another second job.
i bought some really awesome shoes last night. and a cute bracelet (that i spent way too much on) and a monchichi's pin. went to vertigo with jodi and cohen and ran into some old fimiliar faces :) and finally purchased my 'clap your hands say yeah' cd. went out for some mexican food and beer, then went to rachel's. good times.
i think i'm finally ridding the bad in my life. i'm ready to sculpt it into something happy again. i love my job at the salon. i love my only friends that i hang out with here, even though they aren't my best friends from back in the day...they are my new best friends and i'm happy with it. (don't get me wrong, cc, brit, jpi, margo, rayray, dana, i still miss and love you guys more than life). but i'm just happy. yay. the sun is coming out!!
i'm gonna go paint my nails and get ready to go out with ashley :)
things are getting much better than the last time i wrote. i'm working 6 days a week and it gets old, but i've been going out a lot, meeting lots of new people and making sure i don't drive myself crazy.
i haven't seen damion in a month, and i suppose that's just fine. i miss him like hell of course, but things just don't work with us. we barely talk anymore. he called me at 2am sober on sat morning wanting me to come stay with him....? wtf? yeah well as much as i wanted to, i didn't. i think i'm really doing it. i'm really moving on.
speaking of which, there's a potential new boy. i'm excited. i give up dating assholes guys. mark my word. let's give those nice guys a first finish for once. yeah. sounds good.
ahem...let's see how long i stick to that.
yeah soo um i don't have too much exciting to share. been going on dates, going to the bars, had a bachelorette party to attend on friday. got real drunk, the dj licked my face and i fell off stage. been hanging out with ashley a lot. and it was nice out today. i went to the park and played catch and on the swings with sarah, alex and evan. sarah and i climbed up one of the slides and found where we carved our initials when we were 15. good times. then we ate grilled cheese and watched donnie darko (oh my jake, how i fucking love you).
it's almost bedtime. i have to be up at 4:30am for work.
hope everything is going well with everyone. let's hang out soon. call me.
oh and ps. if anyone needs their hair colored my salon is having a first time client special. any color service, hang and arm massage, makeup app and style for $45 forty fucking five dollars! goes through april. it's just on wealthy st, so it's suuuuper convienient for you all :D!! 451-8710 set up an appointment with brittany. do it.
I got the most god awful feeling today and it won't go away.
do you ever think about something so much or so hard that it literally scares the hell out of you? i've been so fucking on and off happy with damion that today set me over the edge. i realized that no matter how much i stop calling him or start to move on with my life and how many times he comes around, he'll turn into a dick again and so starts a never ending cycle. well, today i got home from work and really did nothing but blank stare. i couldn't do anything else. i sat on my bed and just stared. then i looked at the clock and wished that it was 9pm already so i could just go to bed and end the day, just to get to the next. then it hit me...am i living a completely pointless life? what the hell am i doing? what is the point of, well, me? i could count on one hand people that honestly give 2 shits about me and it makes me wonder what the hell is the point? is there anyone out there that i've honestly, truley affected their life? please tell me, i'd like to know. is there anyone that i seriously have made an impact or a change in their life? i doubt it. it hurts to type right now...i just feel so numb. literally numb. i feel nothing. nothing at all. i have to stop this. this isn't me.
i am sick. i lost my voice this morning to the point of where i was just squeeking out words, so i called into work and they told me to come in at 8 rather than 7. i go in at 8. seeing as i couldn't work register bc i can't talk, couldn't take orders and couldn't call of drinks...i was useless. so they sent me home at 8:30. fuck off. i obviously knew i was useless there that's why i called in. waste of my damn time.
i don't know why, but more that usual lately damion is driving me absolutely crazy. i just angry everytime i talk to him and then i just hang up and want to cry my eyes out. i just got done beating the shit out of the punching bag in the basement and had to stop before my knuckles started bleeding through the boxing gloves. just extrememly chapped now.
i'm supposed to see my caroline today but unfortunately i can't move. i'm also supposed to see sar and brit tonight and have a grand old time, but that probably won't happen either. in fact i'm probably gonna sit here by myself and do nothing.
i appologize to any males i have lead on in the past two months. i know now that i am not ready for you in my life. maybe you should be in my life, but i'm not ready for you. damion is constantly in the back of my mind, if not, than the front. and i'm being unfair to you, as well as myself. i want to push a button and vanish memories of damion and i forever. that's the point i've gotten to.
i want to build a fort. i want to find big boxes and chairs and put blankets over them. and i want to eat macaroni and cheese in it and write. yes, and i want to stay there all week. i wish it could be a magical fort.
in one week i have to fix my car, work a lot, finish buying xmas gifts and wrap them, erase damion from my mind, not blow off the guys that like me and want to take me out, and i'm supposed to see caroline, lauren, dana, rachel, jake, kyle and ben and i'd like to see britney but haven't talked to her, all seperately because they are in town. i have xmas with sarah and margaret and i want to go to ann arbor. don't get me wrong, i am super extra excited to see everyone, but i need to figure out how to add more days to this week.
maybe if i build that magical fort things will all be ok.
i'm really sick of things. seriously. i've taken a step back and thought about things today (probably because i was lying in a bed and puking all day) but seriously, i have no life. i want so badly for something exciting to happen, and i don't mean a random party somewhere, i can find that when i feel like it. i need something different. someone enlighten me please.
the first problem would probably be that i miss the feeling of being loved and i'm sick of still being in love, and i miss being held at night, i miss being taken out, holding hands, cooking dinner for 2, dancing all by myself for no reason other than happiness, sipping on tea and just sitting on the couch, driving around and singing songs to him, i miss those looks, the inside jokes, i miss grocery shopping in ghetto fulton D&W, i miss 726 Kellogg and the every night rituals, i miss waking up and looking like i've been hit by a truck a few times while he just tells me how cute i am, i miss watching aqua teen for hours on end, i miss the hugs, the kisses, the showers, the pointless conversations, waking up to his snoring, i miss his toothbrush next to mine, and hearing the fridge open in the middle of the night, i even miss the arguments... i miss damion so much.
now all i do is work, sleep and party. i don't know if i think it eases the pain or what. but it doesn't, it just all catches up to me.
i don't get it. i've been asked out by 4 guys since we've broken up and everytime i hang out with another guy, i almost feel guilty, then i'm back where i started, just thinking about damion...
caroline, since you're the only one that'll probably read this, or at least the only one who'll care...i want you to come home so we can bake christmas cookies and watch some stupid girl movie and lie down and listen to good music, get a cup of coffee from 76 and eat a lot of food and fall asleep talking about pointless things. and dance. i want to dance. hurry home.
since i got dumped on friday i've officially lost 4lbs, have had every guy that's faded out of my life in the past year slowly fade back in. hmm um, i'd call myself borderline alcoholic and i've haven't been home like at all.
i had a dream about cooper last night, it was really odd. i think it was because he called me right before i was getting ready for bed. i also called my sister in my sleep...i think that's the first sober sleep i've had in a while.
so yeah i miss damion a shit ton. today is the first day i haven't cried and i hope it stays that way. he texted messaged me the other day. he seems to be fine, of course, but you know what fuck it all, i have a date tonight :) yeah that's right i have a date, i'm going to a movie with a boy. maybe it's not the smartest plan but i don't think damion plans on getting back together, at least not anytime soon so i'm pretty damn sure i'm allowed to start trying to live my life again.
my hands are constantly shaking. i can not sleep, can't do it. my heads in such a daze, i don't have anything left to cry. i want to cry, it's all i know right now. i'm sick, my gut is knotting tighter and tighter. i'm cold. my heart is broken and i don't have the strength to pick up the remaining pieces, fuck, he took the only good pieces. i want them back. i want him back.
i don't know why this is bothering me... but have you ever been so in love with someone, or so strongly attracted to someone who never even knew?
i have been knitting a scarf for my boyfriend for over 3 hours (that's only like 5 inches long so far) for part of his christmas gift. only to have him call, cancel plans and freak out on me because i didn't hear him say "i love you" and i just said bye. yeah i got a call back 2 seconds later with an "are you fucking kidding me, you're ridiculous" and then a nice click and a dial tone. i didn't know what was going on. can we say anger managment?
maybe that's why that love question ponders me. i know in my past i've felt so unbelievably strong for people who i'm sure were clueless to it. it makes me wonder if anyone at all out there has ever felt like that for me. and i bet if there ever was or is...they'd appreaciate me knitting them a scarf.
randomly today i decided to call a newspaper ad about a new salon :) i set up an interview (my other interviews were fine, but dammit i'm gonna be picky and i wanna work somewhere where i reeeallly wanna work) anyhoo my interview was today at 2. It went really well, after an hour of interviewing and chitchating, we went to go look at the salon (which isn't open yet) and then headed our own ways. i don't want to get overly excited or say too much about it yet, because i don't know anything for sure. but i know i really want to work there, and i'm very excited to hear back from her.
i just want to scream. i cannot live here. i've been here for freaking 3 days. i'm going fucking nuts. i don't know what's wrong with me. i need my space, and it's like everywhere i go, there's mom antagonizing me, and there's dad being crabby about something. neighbors are constantly coming over "you made a good choice moving back here" and "so where are you going to work, when are you going to start" and i've had like 4 people ask me to cut their hair today. I DON'T WAAAAANT TO. i want to see my boyfriend who i really don't see anymore because he works in Holland and lives 30 minutes away. i have no motivation to do anything. i got up this morning and got a manicure, which let me tell you really aren't that great after you've given so many in your life, but it was still nice, the highlight of my day atleast. then i called caroline because she's in town and she told me she'd call me after running a couple errands, then ash and jus call me for danielle's number and say they'll call me in a bit to hang out. well, after i sat around and did absolutely nothing for 3 hours i got a phonecall, and at this point i'm so flipping bored that i don't even have the energy to get up and do anything.
i can not wait to start working, making lots of money and get the hell out of here and back into my own place somewhere downtown, by myself. thank you. now i'm going to go do nothing. someone needs to have a party tonight. i need a stiff drink. :)
it's been over a month since i've last updated, and a lot has happened/is happening.
my dad had part of his tumor removed, and he indeed has cancer. he's on pretty much what they call oral chemotherapy. shit's crazy. he's doing really well for himself, and thank you to everyone who has kept us in your thoughts and prayers.
well i am officially done with school. forver. yes forever, well for now at least, unless i decide to change my career. i'll take state boards in about a month and then get a freaking real job. everyone who knows me, must come get their hair done by me, or there will be consequences :)
my birthday was on wednesday, it was a lot of fun, lots of people showed up. good times. and i'm finally 20 years old.
right now i'm in the process of packing my shit up and moving out. it's such a drag. if anyone wants to help, i'll take it.
so yeah, just a quick update there for ya, but i'm out to head back to my place and meet up with the inman's for dana's 21st birthday dinner! yaaaay dana.